I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
