You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
