so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
