So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
