I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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