If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
