i think my tv is drunk
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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