I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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