Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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