my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
