Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
