I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
