I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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