Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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