I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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