I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
