One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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