He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
