let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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