I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
