You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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