I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
