So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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