The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
