My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
