i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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