im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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