I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
