Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
