He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
