if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
