The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
