I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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