So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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