She announced her abortion via fbk
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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