It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
