this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
