weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
