woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
