Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
