Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
