My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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