Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
