"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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