my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am midnight drunk by noon
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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