Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
