He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
