You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
