I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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