when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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