You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
