Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Man, jail baloney is awful.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
