Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
