I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
