bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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